I have a dream

Chemo #7 complete, tumor is almost gone! Wish I could just take my ball and go home now.  Getting into the rhythm of this portion of the treatment, dealing with side effects as they come and go.  Funny I feel so normal, yet so abnormal. Well we all know I’m abnormal but you know what I mean. Trying hard to get on with my life despite the trials and tribulations associated with cancer.   Actually been keeping busy, getting out a lot during the day, early to bed and up early to get at the day while I have energy.  Noticed I am becoming OCD, trying to stay ahead of my lack of stamina and chemo brain.  Am really surprised how much time it takes to take care of a cancer body.  My body and my brain are slower yet my soul is soaring with hope, love and gratitude.

     I’m in this large water canal filled with brown murky water, swimming along a giant old rusty white ship trying to figure a way out of the massive canal, thinking I can swim under the bow of the ship to get to shore on the other side, my legs get pinned under the ship as they are sucked into some part of the motor, I struggled to break free and wonder why I did not realize this would happen, of course the water would be sucked in the front end and then out the back, somehow I break free, I decide to climb up the front of the ship hoping someone will see me, end up very high on a small ledge, no one sees me, with nowhere to go but back in the water I jump, falling, falling, falling, falling, how could I have not realized how high up I was. I decide to swim to a shore I see in the far distance, I close my eyes and focus on fighting the current, when I open my eyes I am swimming in a dark walled tunnel with trains tracks overhead and goose poop floating thick in the water, I keep swimming and wonder if I well die before I reach the end of the tunnel which I cannot see,  finally light, I swim harder excited to burst free, I come out to find the banks covered thick with black beery brambles, they have also grown into the water shore to shore, nothing to do but swim right through them, it’s gonna hurt, I can do it, here goes.

Getting out every day for the mandatory walk for myself and the dogs, yesterday I ran into a women who really wanted me to contact her friend Julie who cured her breast cancer tumor three years ago.  No Chemo, no surgery, no radiation…she smokes a joint a day, drinks 5 cups of green tea and changed her diet.  “Cured” she said, wondering if I should change to her doctor.

The love and kindness of people has me in awe and holds me up. Armando comes weekly to let the dogs out on Chemo day and wraps me in big bear hugs every time he sees me.  Juliana is a cleaning tornado and makes the house feel exactly as OCD as I like it.  Cherris brings her giant heart and the “Traveling Pink Basket” filled with the most wonderful uplifting goodies, it’s kind of like Christmas. Chris and Lindy bought me some adorable hats and a soft pretty scarf to cute me up, it worked! Tara has been sending weekly beautiful cards to counteract the bills in the mailbox; she brought me a delicious dinner one night and spent two great sister filled nights. Bob makes me great food, brings me flowers and took me out to another delightful dinner.  Donna (Who is a school teacher) sent a package with cards made by her students. They were on pretty paper with get well wishes and a joke in each one, it was a joyful heartwarming package.  Betty sent an adorable bunny basket filled with skin moistening products.  Coralee and Anna brightened my mailbox.  Chris, Karen, Terry and Lindy are keeping the word “We” is my cancer battle. These ladies are amazing and put joy in this journey.

Charlie the bad dog, ate all of the candy for Miranda’s Easter basket before I could fill her basket, chewed up her tube of Burt’s Bee’s lip stuff and killed the cute yellow cheeping chick too. Not sure if was his diarrhea or mine that prompted this dream…

     It’s my birthday tomorrow, my Mom didn’t make me a cake, I need a cake, going to make my own. Go to Safeway, trying to find ingredients, the lights go out, I am frustrated, Oh no gotta use the restroom! Now!  Hurry where is it? I find it, my friend Chris is there, she has diarrhea too. There is only one stall and it is taken, there are at least ten other people waiting, men and women and they have diarrhea too. Frustrated I think I can drive the forty five minutes home and make it.  My car is the room I jump in it only to find the steering wheel missing.  Lets just end this dream here, I did not make it home.

Love and Hugs, S

ps   You know you have cancer when…you can’t wait for the seson premiere of “The Big C” (Showtime tonight)

Ok I admit it, I slept with another dog

Another gloriously heavenly day here is California, sometimes I feel like God planned this years very beautiful winter/early spring weather just to lift me up. It would be the pits if were cold and rainy. It helps to get me out for the mandatory daily walks needed for good circulation as well as helps the dogs blow off steam adjusting to the being at home and quite more schedule. (Miranda has also been a trooper helping get them out as well)  Charlie is still a bad dog and a great dog. Both dogs sense something is amiss and try to lay close to me in bed with their head on my me as if they need too. Kinda nice, kinda crowded.  Both dogs greeted me with utter jubilation the other morning when I arrived home from spending the night at a friends who’s husband was out of town.  We had a girl’s night (bible study lesson, dinner and watched “The Bachelor” with is so stupid and useless I love it!)  I love her 13 year old dog Buddy who used to sleep on my bed when he was young, well  now he is an old man and looks up at the bed begging for us to sleep together again. So I got the idea to move a chair and two tables then I put the mattress on the floor which drives my friend and her hubby nuts because the guest room is utterly gorgeous but I can’t help myself. I can see them rolling their eyes and saying what are we going to do wth her. In the morning I put the furniture back, damn that mattress is extra heavy now that I am weake,r and the room is back it’s beautiful self.  And Buddy and I are happy.

You know you have cancer when…

~You meet friends of your friends and the look at your breasts and say”Oooooooooooooooooooh your Simone”

~You start looking for other women with Breast cancer blog sites and feel like you can relate and it brings you joy

~Day after day people call to check on you  (which you appreciate)

~Cancer spam starts showing up

~People call to you how you should try this or that to cure cancer

~You meet a women with cancer and in an instant you are soul mates, and she tells you everything you are going through that you yourself could not put into words.

People I am beginning to think I have cancer, still feels like I am on another planet.

I did not tell Charlie I slept with another dog.

 

 

Past emails for those who missed them

1/26/12      Work up bright and early after a horrible nights sleep. I refrained from getting on the Internet last night and searching until I made myself crazy. Thought it might be better for my sleep…wrong…still my nights sleep was like a bad drug trip. Asleep, awake, asleep, always awakening to the same nightmare.

Woke up with a positive attitude, made Miranda breakfast and then searched the Internet. Discovered that a lot of the symptoms that I had attributed to pre-menopause just might not be. Dr. Weinstein also pointed this out to me before he knew anything was wrong. Symptoms like dizziness,lack of concentration/focus, lack of energy,nausea, joint pain etc. But didn’t go crazy with the searching today. I need a prognosis then I can go nuts. Gotta be honest, I’m concerned it’s bad 😦

Got all the necessary info/paperwork over to UCSF by 2:30, took the dogs for a walk hoping for a call to come in, no call. Miranda came home from school and had a bad day so we went to a see “I Bought A Zoo”. The movie was very different from the book in that the book focused on the trials and tribulations of caring for the animals, the major cash flow problems and the problems with the facility itself…it did not focus and a dead Mom like the movie did, Yikes.

1/28/12     Laid down in bed last night and decided I’m not doing the bad drug trip thing again, got up went to Safeway and bought Rocky Road Ice cream (Gotta fatten up for the major weight lose coming my way) and Safeway sleep aid, slept oh so well. I’ll be doing that again tonight. Woke up hoping to hear something, anything, from UCSF. Put in a call, checked my email, nothing! The psychosis set it in, one minute no problem, the next I’m a dead man. The brain in a funny thing. A little Burdy (my friend) must not have been happy about this because the phone rang and I had an appt with the Breast cancer God and tests on Wednesday @ 10:00. I jumped in my car and rushed the test results I have to UCSF with glee, take them, heal me please. Twas a beautiful day for a drive and a great distraction. Then called the fam with the bad news.(Boy it takes along time to call this big group) They put a smile on my face!

Took the dogs for a walk, made a fab meal for Miranda and I. Now have candles burning, a fire going, a nice glass of wine, and Bob Dylan playing the background. What a journey, gonna hang tough, not going down without a fight, feeling grateful, so over whelmed to be so loved.

1/30/12

Is it Wednesday yet?

My days are filled with hope and strength and gratitude. How can I be so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life? Trying to keep busy, the days feel like years, am I mellow dramatic? I sure hope not! I know not how else to feel, keep time moving, keep it moving. Worked at my desk, planted flowers,cleaned out the refridgerator, cleaned out the bath tub, took the dogs to the dog park, gave the dogs a bath, cleaned the bath tub again, washed everything in the house I could wash, cleaned the tea kettle, cleaned the crock pot, did you know that if you flip your crock pot up side down the underside in really dirty including under the handles. Is it Wednesday Yet?

The nights feel like a freight train running through my head,

the engine has a big “C” on it

each car that passes by is a new thought and before I can dissect it another car comes by,

has it spread,

when are they going to take it out,

do I have enough dog food and toilet paper in case they keep me,

can a broken heart give you cancer (tears down the cheeks),

have I had too many chest x rays,

how will I tell the kids,

how sick will I be,

maybe it’s nothing,

would I wear a wig, would it be blue,

should I move,

can I live in my car,

what would I do with my pets,

could I be without them,

maybe Miranda should go back to Idaho,

will Sherman need to come home and take a job,

wonder how awful it looks to have your breasts removed,

Am I going to run out of laundry detergent,

should I plan my funeral just in case,

I’ve never seen Paris,

why am I alone at night,

it has spread to my eye lashes, I’m just sure of it.

Finally a caboose telling me to be calm, all will be ok.

But the train is on a loop track, oh no here comes the engine again.

Night all, I will be strong no matter what cards dealt.

2/5/12

 Another bad dream, (tired of those) started the day overwhelmed and feeling blue, went back to bed! Later took a cancer book to the happiest place on earth, the dog park! Stayed for an hour and a half while reading and smiling at the dogs. At one point Sade climbed up onto the concrete picnic table I was sitting at, people laughed, I pushed her off, she got back on, people laughed,Charlie then got on, people laughed, then he started to hump her right on the table, boy did the people laugh then! Never a dull moment with Charlie around.

The books I bought are really helpful, taking away some of the unknown really helps. Pet CT scan tomorrow and a bunch of tests on Tuesday, should have all the info needed to determine treatment plan. Yikes! ready or not here it comes.

2/12/12     

Busy getting things ready for my new regiment which starts 2/23. It’s quite bizarre what is and is not important to me at this time. I feel kind of out of my body yet so clear and focused. I am going into this with a positive attitude thinking it’s not going to kick my butt and will make adjustments from there. I plan to go to the first treatment with Chris & Lindy, then plan to go home and eat the meal I will set up in my crock pot and then sit back and see how it going to goes. Please don’t try and talk me out of this, I really don’t want people watching and waiting for me to barf and if I do, I know how to clean it up if necessary.If I need help there are many loving people a phone call away.

I have Appts T,W & TH next week. The brain MRI is on Wednesday which my brother Gary, and sister Virginia, are going to with me. Before the test we are going to eat at San Woh’s in Chinatown, I’m drooling already! My Sister is going to all of the other appts that week as well.

FYI You can have nightmares on Ambian. Last night I dreamt that Charlie had been hit by a car. I was not there when he was hit and the people who were did not get him to me until two weeks after the accident, they presented me with this emaciated wounded almost dead dog. I put in under my shirt next to my stomach and chest like I did to comfort my babies when they were little and took him to the vet. They told it was going to be a battle but he was going to live. Later on that morning I realized that I was dreaming about myself. I also dreamt about little kids, iguanas and Macaws but I am not seeming any parallels there, LOL.

2/16/12

Busy getting things ready for my new regiment which starts 2/23. It’s quite bizarre what is and is not important to me at this time. I feel kind of out of my body yet so clear and focused. I am going into this with a positive attitude thinking it’s not going to kick my butt and will make adjustments from there. I plan to go to the first treatment with Chris & Lindy, then plan to go home and eat the meal I will set up in my crock pot and then sit back and see how it going to goes. Please don’t try and talk me out of this, I really don’t want people watching and waiting for me to barf and if I do, I know how to clean it up if necessary.If I need help there are many loving people a phone call away.

I have Appts T,W & TH next week. The brain MRI is on Wednesday which my brother Gary, and sister Virginia, are going to with me. Before the test we are going to eat at San Woh’s in Chinatown, I’m drooling already! My Sister is going to all of the other appts that week as well.

FYI You can have nightmares on Ambian. Last night I dreamt that Charlie had been hit by a car. I was not there when he was hit and the people who were did not get him to me until two weeks after the accident, they presented me with this emaciated wounded almost dead dog. I put in under my shirt next to my stomach and chest like I did to comfort my babies when they were little and took him to the vet. They told it was going to be a battle but he was going to live. Later on that morning I realized that I was dreaming about myself. I also dreamt about little kids, iguanas and Macaws but I am not seeming any parallels there, LOL.

2/18/12

     Ok the initial tests are over! Yippee! Felt like I was in a tunnel clinging to the light at the end. The light at the end says 12 weeks of weekly chemo, gonna loose my hair in 14-16 days, mouth sores, very sensitive skin, neuropathy, nausea and fatigue, to what degree we shall see. Second round 8 weeks of biweekly treatment, this round sounds the worst. Intense bone pain, and depleted immune system to where I should almost not go out and I cannot touch soil. Me Simone Ewing cannot touch soil, seriously!

Chemotherapy starts on Thursday. I pray I am strong, I pray I can work and I pray my children will not endure too much along with me.

     I have my Simone Ewing cancer research center set up. I am making a daily check list of all that I need to do each day down to the last detail. My goal is to stay as strong as possible, and of course I am afraid. But knowledge is power and I am in good hands, no, i am in great hands at UCSF and Gods hands.

On a journey to who knows where, S