May 3, 2012

Ten golden toes

You know that song when I’m 64 by the Beatles, well they were off by 40 years because I feel like I’m 104.  Cancer therapy is a bitch!  As Armando would say in his broken english “I cry, I cry”.  Just typing this after my third hot bath soak, today hurts. Whine whine whine…Oh poor pitiful me!  I wish it was wine wine wine, give me Rombauer, Frank family, anything from Italy…Instead it’s meds meds meds.  Where is my sense of humor? Not much seems funny, I feel like a wounded animal that wants to crawl under the deck and lick my wounds. I have my brief moments where I put on a hat and a pretty dress, I try to enjoy this life of farawayness.  That is me far away from you. (Tears down cheeks)

As strange as it seems or as much as I whine considering what I am going through physically I am doing great! LOL, no really I am!  I think. What else are you going to do but get up each day and do as much as you can under the circumstances.  Most of the time I don’t know what the circumstances are untill they hit me in the gut or the feet which ever comes first, but I know there is always tomorrow and when this is all over.  Brings to mind that stupid saying “This too shall pass”, must say I’m tired of hearing that.  Yes it is passing… right out my a–!  ( Sorry couldn’t help myself )

Not nearly as many bald women as I has thought there would be…other than the women at the chemo center the only one I have seen was in the dog park and she informed me it was not due to chemo but that she was “Butch” (Lesbian for those of you who don’t know the term.) Someone told me Washington D.C. is filled with bald women.  Strangers like to comment “You look beautiful” “How are you doing” “My daughter (wife Etc.) is going through the same thing” Etc.  Not fun to be bald, not a badge of honour as some women have said they feel.  Wig is hot, wig makes a rash, wig feels like I am a different person. Hat on, hat off, hat on, hat off, hat on, hat off.  Hat off feels better but then I feel like I look like a sick person.  Which I am, LOL.

Can’t wait for the other side…the other side of cancer that is.  I feel much like a monk  in my own little world trying to live amongst the rest of the world marching to a different beat. I long to be like I was yet I must do my time.  I feel bad for Miranda (My daughter) having to bare the brunt of the change in Mom.  It’s she and I, day in and day out.  I try hard to fake it, to shine despite my waning self but I know she (Tears down cheeks) has to suffer the most along with me.  Hopefully we can see Paris together when this is over.

“How are you” “What is it like” “Is it like you imagined it would be”  Question questions questions, how to answer the questions. Each day would have a different answer and when this is all over I will have a different answer I’m sure.  For me the most surprising part is the “farawayness”. Partly because some physical items have me distracted, partly because of  worry due to financial issues or worry that something pressing has not been tended to.  This too shall pass, LOL.

I have ten golden toes and I am thankful. Got a pedicure with Miranda and painted them bright shiny gold,  was told not to by the doctors due to infections etc., but I did it any way and am so glad I did.  I soaked the extremely painful little buggers for the third time today in the tub and they looked so pretty.  Apparently this type od chemo therapy (Taxol) can make you finger and toe nails fall off, so I am grateful to have ten to polish thus far.

Feeling feeling feeling grateful for so many blessings from my peeps, where would I be without all of them to send good juju my way, I can’t imagine.

Well Chemo #11 tomorrow

And now for you listening pleasure a link to one of my all time favorite pieces of music.


(Fingers hurt too much to edit/spellcheck, sorry)


April 8, 2012

I have a dream

Chemo #7 complete, tumor is almost gone! Wish I could just take my ball and go home now.  Getting into the rhythm of this portion of the treatment, dealing with side effects as they come and go.  Funny I feel so normal, yet so abnormal. Well we all know I’m abnormal but you know what I mean. Trying hard to get on with my life despite the trials and tribulations associated with cancer.   Actually been keeping busy, getting out a lot during the day, early to bed and up early to get at the day while I have energy.  Noticed I am becoming OCD, trying to stay ahead of my lack of stamina and chemo brain.  Am really surprised how much time it takes to take care of a cancer body.  My body and my brain are slower yet my soul is soaring with hope, love and gratitude.

     I’m in this large water canal filled with brown murky water, swimming along a giant old rusty white ship trying to figure a way out of the massive canal, thinking I can swim under the bow of the ship to get to shore on the other side, my legs get pinned under the ship as they are sucked into some part of the motor, I struggled to break free and wonder why I did not realize this would happen, of course the water would be sucked in the front end and then out the back, somehow I break free, I decide to climb up the front of the ship hoping someone will see me, end up very high on a small ledge, no one sees me, with nowhere to go but back in the water I jump, falling, falling, falling, falling, how could I have not realized how high up I was. I decide to swim to a shore I see in the far distance, I close my eyes and focus on fighting the current, when I open my eyes I am swimming in a dark walled tunnel with trains tracks overhead and goose poop floating thick in the water, I keep swimming and wonder if I well die before I reach the end of the tunnel which I cannot see,  finally light, I swim harder excited to burst free, I come out to find the banks covered thick with black beery brambles, they have also grown into the water shore to shore, nothing to do but swim right through them, it’s gonna hurt, I can do it, here goes.

Getting out every day for the mandatory walk for myself and the dogs, yesterday I ran into a women who really wanted me to contact her friend Julie who cured her breast cancer tumor three years ago.  No Chemo, no surgery, no radiation…she smokes a joint a day, drinks 5 cups of green tea and changed her diet.  “Cured” she said, wondering if I should change to her doctor.

The love and kindness of people has me in awe and holds me up. Armando comes weekly to let the dogs out on Chemo day and wraps me in big bear hugs every time he sees me.  Juliana is a cleaning tornado and makes the house feel exactly as OCD as I like it.  Cherris brings her giant heart and the “Traveling Pink Basket” filled with the most wonderful uplifting goodies, it’s kind of like Christmas. Chris and Lindy bought me some adorable hats and a soft pretty scarf to cute me up, it worked! Tara has been sending weekly beautiful cards to counteract the bills in the mailbox; she brought me a delicious dinner one night and spent two great sister filled nights. Bob makes me great food, brings me flowers and took me out to another delightful dinner.  Donna (Who is a school teacher) sent a package with cards made by her students. They were on pretty paper with get well wishes and a joke in each one, it was a joyful heartwarming package.  Betty sent an adorable bunny basket filled with skin moistening products.  Coralee and Anna brightened my mailbox.  Chris, Karen, Terry and Lindy are keeping the word “We” is my cancer battle. These ladies are amazing and put joy in this journey.

Charlie the bad dog, ate all of the candy for Miranda’s Easter basket before I could fill her basket, chewed up her tube of Burt’s Bee’s lip stuff and killed the cute yellow cheeping chick too. Not sure if was his diarrhea or mine that prompted this dream…

     It’s my birthday tomorrow, my Mom didn’t make me a cake, I need a cake, going to make my own. Go to Safeway, trying to find ingredients, the lights go out, I am frustrated, Oh no gotta use the restroom! Now!  Hurry where is it? I find it, my friend Chris is there, she has diarrhea too. There is only one stall and it is taken, there are at least ten other people waiting, men and women and they have diarrhea too. Frustrated I think I can drive the forty five minutes home and make it.  My car is the room I jump in it only to find the steering wheel missing.  Lets just end this dream here, I did not make it home.

Love and Hugs, S

ps   You know you have cancer when…you can’t wait for the seson premiere of “The Big C” (Showtime tonight)

March 28, 2012

There’s a bald lady in my mirror

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 2:51 am
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Where the heck have I been? What day is it? What year is it? Questions I seriously ask myself?  Since Sherman left I went into slow motion, not going out, not calling, not writing just in this inward (tired) place. Trying hard to find peace with it but find that I don’t have the energy to fight it either.  Not to worry I am not down and out and need help, actually feeling so much better that the virus and the sinus infection have passed, just trying to to do what my body says/feels.  I do go for a walk with the dogs almost every day, I do clean, cook and spend alot of time on my health. Boy this cancer is a part time job for sure.  Last Thursday on Chemo day which I went to with Chris and Karen (Two of my Ya Ya gals) the doctor told me my tumor had shrunk from 5x6cm to 3x3cm, praise God and UCSF for that!  My goal is to stay as strong as I can so that I do not have a low blood cell count and get a delay in treatment. I do this by taking my supplements, eating right, drinking lots of water, moving to keep my circulation going and rest when needed. So far so good.

Still can’t get used to seeing a bald lady in the mirror, nor the fact that the shampoo slides right off and I don’t have to comb my hair, or dry my hair. I also really notice everyone elses hair like never before, hair really is pretty and different on each person.

I love to cook my chicken with dried Tarragon. I ran out and since I eat a lot of chicken (high in protein) I made it a priority to get some more, I went to three stores before I finally found some, brought it home went to put in in the empty Tarragon mason jar only to find it full. Full! What the the hell? I still can’t figure out when or where! Chemo brain for sure. I find myself doing a lot of preplanning/list making etc. to try and compensate. I figure it’s good practice for my later years in life.

Went for my first public outing, a memorial for a wonderful 105 year old women, so glad my sister was here to get ready with me and that she drove, really did not feel like it and most likely would have stayed home.  Cried a few tears for some reason, got myself all the way dressed except for the head, debated/settled on a hat over the wig and off we went.  Didn’t feel like my outward exuberant self but was glad I went.


Good things about cancer~

learning to be frugal

drinking less wine (Only because I don’t feel like it, but it does saves money LOL)

more hugs, more hugs

laying around with the dogs

weight loss


more chatting with family

friends love


New side effects~

Light sensitivity

diminished eye sight

Taste changes

Rash on head


Love Love Love, S


March 16, 2012

Sometimes dead is good

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 5:55 am
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Hello All,

Home in my bed, Ahhhhhhhhh. UCSF on T W & TH this week. Test results show “Dead Tissue” and that is a great thing. Nice to have results info so early. Drink a glass of wine for me!  Chemo was a very long day but Sherman went with me and that was very nice.  It’s over for a week but I am already setting things up for next week, it gets here so damn fast.  Trying to ignore/manage side effects and not focus on them. More on those tomorrow. Came home took a long hot bubble bath, ate a fabulous Portuguese soup Bob made and brought over along with a bouquet of  happy yellow flowers. So very nice! The cheerful flowers inspired me to fluff up the whole living area. All ready for tomorrow. Miranda went to Safeway and got Rocky Road ice cream for me. Sucked that down and now want to sleep. Good night all.

Love and many Thank you’s,

Baldy (not so bad really)

March 8, 2012

Hugs VS Thugs

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 3:19 pm
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  • Chemo Day #3  (Which on my calender is noted as “Healing day”)
    Let me introduce “The Hugs”   (This what I feel like with all of the love and support I have)
    And now “The Thugs”
    Chemo Day
    Nightmares (4 in one night, two nights in a row. Last night none, Yippee)
    Mean people
    Myself sometimes (Well a lot of the time)
    Car repairs
    Unopened mail
    2 piles of cat vomit on the sofa
    Chemo side effects (Minor nausea, joint pain, sinusitis, headaches,feeling HOT, red face, red arms, and fatigue)
    Lack of ability to commit
    The unknown
    Well off to Chemo day with two Bengal tigers, I think we are gonna win today.

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