thebluefolder

April 22, 2012

Climbing Mt. Everest

This cancer is a strange animal putting me in my own little world yet part of a much bigger world as well. I hear the loving voices, I fell the soft hands holding me up and for each and everyone no matter how small I am grateful.  I feel like I am climbing Mount Everest and I have a cheering squad calling me from the top “You can do it, you can do it, here grab my rope and hold on tight, we won’t let you fall”.  This last week has been very interesting in that I needed to let go of the ropes being tossed to me to see what it would be like if they were not there for me to hold on so tightly to.  I climbed, I cryed, I rested and though I let go of the ropes I could still feel  your pull right along with me. I found my own strenghth as well, took the time to look at what was possible for me right now and how to do “what I can” to the max.  This has made me feel less vulnerable and more powerful, I can’t do it all but I can do a lot. I can see the top of the mountian and that’s where I am going.

Chemo #9 over and done.  The doctors seem quite marveled/thirlled with the shrinkage of the tumor, It is no longer mesurable without machinary. Still have to have chemo part two, surgery and radiation. Side effects come and go, yes they are a bummer but not worse than death.  As the saying goes “The best way to get through hell is straight through it”.

Side Effects~

Painful rashy bald head, pain in stomach, bloat,nausea,  darkening brittle painful finger tips and toe tips (This is a real bummer), clumsiness, sinus and ear pain, hot flashes, sore throat, diarreaha, sensitive skin, sore teeth, general slowness and the port hurts alot, could be my least favorite part. (It will be removed with surgery, yippee!)

With the utmost gratitude to all of those who have reached out, your hand feels so nice.

April 14, 2012

Serious undocumented cancer side effect occuring

Everything today has been

heavy and brown.

Bring me a Unicorn

to ride about the town.

                                                                      Anne Morrow Lindberg

Been a rough few days…didn’t even cry this much when I found out I had cancer.  I’ll be fine, I’ll get over it, I’ll persevere, but today…

Cancer is embarrassing.

Embarrassed…

To be poor

To be bald

To be bald with a red bumpy rash

To be divorced

To need help

To have bloody snot rags in the bathroom toilet

To have side effects

To have my main topic of conversation to be cancer/me

To be judged

To wear a wig

To lie when I really do need help

To wish I had a Mom that was closer

To want lie down

To make poor choices

To not be able to pay my share

To not be able to commit

To have my children see me looking cancery

To make payments on or have overdue bills

To have cancer

To be alone

To have to cancel

To have wet farts

To forget things

To not be strong

To ask for help

To have splurged

To not be sharp

To have a dirty car

To be whining now

To have a drunk ex

To not have a cash safety net

To have thinning pubic hairs

To need to walk slower

To want

To have forgotten/overlooked/missed something important to someone

To have pride

To not be able to help others more

To cry

Embarrassed to be embarrassed.

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