thebluefolder

May 17, 2012

Simone has left the building

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 6:55 pm
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Chemo #12 over and you would think I would be happy, but I am not. I am amazed that the twelve weeks have flown by so quickly but it is a much different feeling than having been on a European vacation that flew by.  Much more like that last guy to cross the finish line in a 10K race, poor sap, but people still cheer as he collapses just over the line, and oh the recovery time, oh my, poor sap.  I guess there is no fan fare for #12 because #11 and #12 were so difficult and then top it with the dread for the next round of double chemo so strong that it needs an extra weeks recovery time.  As my body weakens and I enter further into the portal of dealing with each day, I no longer see tomorrow in fact I dread tomorrow for it carries the worries that I may not be able to do it. I have given up planning, no more planning as it only cause me stress and then disappointment when I can not follow through.  My world is getting very small and that is all I can handle right now.  Simone has left the building, but I understand she will be returning for another show sometime in October if all goes as planned.

Sorry to be so glum, too much financial pressure combined with a collapsing body that just wants to be left alone to heal and must press on has me short on patience, humor and sunshine.

Happy things, Getting Miranda ready for the Senior Ball, Sherman (and Trevor) arriving home tomorrow, skipping chemo this week, getting back to work for better or worse, the love of friends and family which makes my heart glow even if I can’t be in contact because frankly it’s just too much effort but I know/feel them there. And of course my pets that are always here by side.

With hugs and much gratitude, S

ps If you lock your purse in the car and leave the back window down it will be stolen.

April 22, 2012

Climbing Mt. Everest

This cancer is a strange animal putting me in my own little world yet part of a much bigger world as well. I hear the loving voices, I fell the soft hands holding me up and for each and everyone no matter how small I am grateful.  I feel like I am climbing Mount Everest and I have a cheering squad calling me from the top “You can do it, you can do it, here grab my rope and hold on tight, we won’t let you fall”.  This last week has been very interesting in that I needed to let go of the ropes being tossed to me to see what it would be like if they were not there for me to hold on so tightly to.  I climbed, I cryed, I rested and though I let go of the ropes I could still feel  your pull right along with me. I found my own strenghth as well, took the time to look at what was possible for me right now and how to do “what I can” to the max.  This has made me feel less vulnerable and more powerful, I can’t do it all but I can do a lot. I can see the top of the mountian and that’s where I am going.

Chemo #9 over and done.  The doctors seem quite marveled/thirlled with the shrinkage of the tumor, It is no longer mesurable without machinary. Still have to have chemo part two, surgery and radiation. Side effects come and go, yes they are a bummer but not worse than death.  As the saying goes “The best way to get through hell is straight through it”.

Side Effects~

Painful rashy bald head, pain in stomach, bloat,nausea,  darkening brittle painful finger tips and toe tips (This is a real bummer), clumsiness, sinus and ear pain, hot flashes, sore throat, diarreaha, sensitive skin, sore teeth, general slowness and the port hurts alot, could be my least favorite part. (It will be removed with surgery, yippee!)

With the utmost gratitude to all of those who have reached out, your hand feels so nice.

March 28, 2012

There’s a bald lady in my mirror

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 2:51 am
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Where the heck have I been? What day is it? What year is it? Questions I seriously ask myself?  Since Sherman left I went into slow motion, not going out, not calling, not writing just in this inward (tired) place. Trying hard to find peace with it but find that I don’t have the energy to fight it either.  Not to worry I am not down and out and need help, actually feeling so much better that the virus and the sinus infection have passed, just trying to to do what my body says/feels.  I do go for a walk with the dogs almost every day, I do clean, cook and spend alot of time on my health. Boy this cancer is a part time job for sure.  Last Thursday on Chemo day which I went to with Chris and Karen (Two of my Ya Ya gals) the doctor told me my tumor had shrunk from 5x6cm to 3x3cm, praise God and UCSF for that!  My goal is to stay as strong as I can so that I do not have a low blood cell count and get a delay in treatment. I do this by taking my supplements, eating right, drinking lots of water, moving to keep my circulation going and rest when needed. So far so good.

Still can’t get used to seeing a bald lady in the mirror, nor the fact that the shampoo slides right off and I don’t have to comb my hair, or dry my hair. I also really notice everyone elses hair like never before, hair really is pretty and different on each person.

I love to cook my chicken with dried Tarragon. I ran out and since I eat a lot of chicken (high in protein) I made it a priority to get some more, I went to three stores before I finally found some, brought it home went to put in in the empty Tarragon mason jar only to find it full. Full! What the the hell? I still can’t figure out when or where! Chemo brain for sure. I find myself doing a lot of preplanning/list making etc. to try and compensate. I figure it’s good practice for my later years in life.

Went for my first public outing, a memorial for a wonderful 105 year old women, so glad my sister was here to get ready with me and that she drove, really did not feel like it and most likely would have stayed home.  Cried a few tears for some reason, got myself all the way dressed except for the head, debated/settled on a hat over the wig and off we went.  Didn’t feel like my outward exuberant self but was glad I went.

 

Good things about cancer~

learning to be frugal

drinking less wine (Only because I don’t feel like it, but it does saves money LOL)

more hugs, more hugs

laying around with the dogs

weight loss

introspection

more chatting with family

friends love

 

New side effects~

Light sensitivity

diminished eye sight

Taste changes

Rash on head

 

Love Love Love, S

 

February 26, 2012

The Blue folder (Avoid it if you can)

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 4:45 am
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“You will be given a blue folder by the nurse”  ”Be sure to pick up your blue folder on your way out” “Did they give you a blue folder” I knew I was in trouble when I did not see anyone else leaving the women’s health center with a blue folder. Thus began the wild ride to Breast cancer land.  I felt like I was being sucked into a vortex where all that mattered was healing this alien that had moved into my body, every other other care I had had dissolved into the panicked dreamy state.  Though God, family, friends, neighbors, and pets I have managed to remain calm, have some laughs and educate myself on this journey I am embarking on.  Chemo, surgery, radiation, one year they say.

First Chemo session is over, thank goodness.  It’s stuck me that I didn’t know what I needed until it was presented to me. Two loving friends got up early and drive me into the city for treatment. The two of them were so calm, loving and cute they put me at ease. It was a long day when you threw in the surprise minor surgery to install the port and the various delays of the Chemo. I was exchausted to say the least. Thank goodness they were there.  Came home to a dear neighbor standing curbside with a bouquet of flowers and a wonderful hug.  As I presided towards my home another friend had lit the walkway with votive candles, flowers floating in water, the entire inside of the house looked like a scene from The Bachelor with flowers and candles in every room. I received calls, texts, posts and prayers. A day I could have managed alone instead became a beautiful spot on my heart.

Side effects were minimal, I followed my to-do list to the “T”.  Felt a little odd and really wanted to poop, went to bed very early. Today I just feel slow and kinda groggy but not bad.

Thank you all so much for lifting me up, S

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