July 26, 2012

And I have cancer

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 3:33 pm
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5:45 am, let me sleep, let me hide, no such luck, I must rise. Too much to do, too much that won’t get done.  6:30 and I’ve already cried. 6:45 tripped and fell, dropped it all trying to do too much too fast. The real injustice was I still hadn’t had my morning cup of coffee.  7:03 woe is me.   Wonder what is going to slip through the gap, wonder if I’m going to crack.  I’m not who I was anymore, such a bore. Too much drama (What the hell!) wonder if my friends will tire.  7:54 the tears do flow, so much worry on my mind, so many answers I seek to find.  Guess I should shut up and get going, it’s going to be a rough couple of weeks…monthes…years.

Chemo effects slowly slipping away, yippee. Went in yesterday for the  pre surgery appointment  (with my three YaYa pals, bless their hearts) and was told the tumor had shrunk from 5×6 to 1×1 thus so much less cutting.  Basically they will do a lumpectomy on the right, cut the left to match and do a lift to pull the tissue up so nothing in blocking the area to be radiated (The tumor is on the underside of my breast) The surgery is 3 1/2 hours and I will be there over night. My Sis (Thank God) will be coming to stay with me. Surgey is 8/7, would love prayers for speedy healing so I can get back to work quickly.

Sorry so glum, it’s complicated right now, oh and I have cancer.

On a happy note, my heart is filled with love and gratitude for the help/love from family and friends. This is the wind beneath my wings.








July 13, 2012

Coming up for air :)

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 8:36 pm
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Coming up for air, clearing my head, feeling blessed, licking my wounds, clearing my desk, packing boxes, preping for surgery and doing a little wishful thinking.

WHERE THE RAVENS FLY FREE            Simone J. Ewing

I long to be

where the cool clear waters flow

where the willow and penny royal lap at the waters edge

where the angelica grows taller than me.

I long to be

where the golden needles of the larch trees make giant yellow clouds in the fall sky

where the elk bugle a symphony in the night

where you can hear the snow fall.

I long to be

where there are millions of stars almost within my reach

where you can meet a gray wolf in the early morning light

where the world is still.

I long to be

where an old cedar tree stands alone in a grassy meadow

where Mt Henry’s top peeks over the ridge

where the ravens fly free.

July 11, 2012

Important jobs

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 4:13 pm
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I found myself bored one February.   Idaho winters can really do a number on you if you’re not careful. So I decided to set up a company booth in a local Home and Garden show. I knew the chance of drumming up any business was slim in this tiny town but hey I was bored. So I went all out of course. This was going to be the best garden booth ever to be entered. They gave me a premier spot right in the center that had a big round skylight overhead. And I was not going to let them down.  The best part about my space was that people could walk all the way around and also through it. So I set it up a romantic secret garden, complete with an ivy, rose and tulle covered arbor, a romantic garden table with chairs, a babbling water garden complete with goldfish. The space was filled tall palm plants, tall ficus trees, ferns and azaleas in abundance.  It was a place to pause, and people did as they took it all in.  The two front tables were adorned with two 3’ tall garden urns filled with my wildest dreams in flowers making them over 6” tall. These arrangements were worthy of any fine hotel lobby or museum hall.

I noticed a women lingering and looking at the flower arrangements in awe but she was also looking at them different somehow, different than sheer delight at all their beauty. She seemed dwarfed by the size of them and craned her neck to just look at them. You could see she was a women who had not experienced the finer things in life yet had dignity and a heart of gold. I could tell she wanted to talk and it was not going to about my landscape services.  “Can you make a smaller version of this” she asked fully intending to pay, fully intending to sacrifice if she had too because nothing less would be good enough for her daughter and baby granddaughter. I am sure she no idea how expensive even a quarter of the arrangement would be. “My baby granddaughter just passed away and I would like something for the funeral chapel in two days.” “My daughter is heartbroken.” “We don’t have much money you see but we loved her so much.” I gave her a long hug and explained the enormous cost for such an arrangement but assured her that at no cost I would have flowers in that chapel in two days for her granddaughter. I gave her my phone number and my promise. And I was not going to let her down.  I received a phone call filled with much grief and much gratitude from her daughter the next day. She had no idea what I had in store for her and her baby girl.

It just so happened that the Home and Gardening show was ending in two days so I took the palms and the ficus, the ferns and the azaleas and of course those two giant urns filled with flowers over to the funeral home.  It was in the old quaint part of town on a grassy corner.  They lead me into the chapel where I would do my magic. The room was old and special, not too big, not too small, not too dark and not too light, just right. It was also deathly quiet, not a sound.  I worked alone and at a slow pace making sure everything was more than perfect.  At some point they brought in the baby girl, they placed her very small open casket at the front of the chapel nestled among the plants and flowers, and then left.  Seemed very natural to the people working there but to me there I was alone with someone’s child taken way too soon. She seemed so tiny even in this small chapel yet her presence filled the room.  I felt honored somehow and even more slowly carried out my work not wanting to leave her alone.  When the chapel was just right and the service just about to start I scanned the room one last time then went and kissed her little head goodbye. Then slid out the back door.

I can’t tell you what February that was, or the baby’s name or how she died. Didn’t really matter all that mattered was that God have given me one of the most important jobs of my life.

July 6, 2012

Chemo and Gratitude oozing from my pores. Final Final!

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 4:19 am
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Chemo sessions one for the history books now.  My brother took me today and made the day light, airy, funny and easy.  My blood counts were low (Which explains the humiliating pass out incident in the bathroom with my pants around my ankles) (And was told my little to jaunt to high altitude Lake Tahoe was not such a good idea for a person with my numbers, oh well I survived and had sooooo much fun with my pals) and I was told that they would go lower so be prepared to have people around, to do things very slowly for two weeks, to keep hydrated and eat super well. I’m a little nervous but it’s almost done.

Now I must rest, good thing I already wrote a special story for my next post.

Blessed, S

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