June 30, 2012

Dreams, plans and other stupidities

I’ve been thinking a lot about the dreaming and planning we put into our lives.  Each and everyday this process plays out in our head. Dreams and plans such as looking forward to pancakes for breakfast,  to a favorite weekly show being on TV that night, to a visit with people you care about, to a special vacation, to starting a new endeavor.  They are all equal and require the process of thinking about them. In my mind this thinking brings me joy and angst.  Joy in using the brain and heart, angst that everything does not quite manifest they way I had it pictured in my mind. Kinda pisses me off.

When I was young, about ten, I thought I would be a writer, all my life I thought I was going to be writer, but it just never happened.  Well not on paper anyway. I write in my head, all day everyday.  The cool thing about writing the story in your head is that unlike life you can rewind and write a new ending until it suits you. But rarely did the poems, stories, books or movie scripts make it onto paper.

When I was young, about eighteen, I wanted to be a pilot who flew big jet planes. I can still feel that same desire I felt then to fly. But it never happened. Which makes me think of the time I didn’t want a big black and hairy dog and I ended up with two. I love them so very much.  What happened to my planning there? Was I ever really in control of making my own plans?  Howard and Sade (The dogs) are happy with the outcome.  What about the time I planned for my daughter’s piano recital which she dreaded/feared going to.  After much ado the family was off to  help her conquer her fear and cheer her on.  I can still picture her in that beautiful cream and burgundy dress with tears running down her cheeks.  When we pulled into the church parking lot it was empty, I went inside in a slight panic and found out it was not this church and there was no way to find out the correct one.  No way to fix this one, Miranda was ecstatic with outcome of these best laid plans. I remember throwing a coin into a beautiful giant water fountain in Golden Gate Park. I closed my eyes, made my wish and tossed that coin with the best of intentions to live happily ever after with the person who was standing beside me. Boy was that a mistake.  I could go on and on but for the most part things just don’t seem to play out like we dreamed and planned. So why bother dreaming and planning at all? So easy to say, not so easy to do.

When I was young, about twenty-five, I wanted to get my fruit tress and roses planted that I would be picking from and gazing upon in my old age. As a gardener I knew it would take a good ten to fifteen years for them to become fully mature and magnificent, I had to get going. I have not planted those fruit tress or roses yet.  It’s not too late as I am only 50 but I sure thought I would have been planted somewhere permanent so I could have had them in the ground by now.  Well actually I did get them planted once but it turns out they were not to be the ones I would be gazing upon when I am old. Once again best laid plans. I still yearn for this as much as I did when I was young.

When I was young, about fifty, I lost (the word lost is used as an emotion not a fact) my husband and developed Breast Cancer.  I can assure you this was not in my dreams and planning process.  And now I question every decision I have ever made and every one I will make in the future. But since I really have no control, why bother?  Well off I go head and heart first to dreamimg and planning, to which I remain ever hopeful.



  1. Health update…Boy this is no fun! With much love and support this is going as well as you could hope for being what it is. The best part is that the worst part (Chemo) is almost a thing of the past. Yes it was the pits but it by fast if your don’t count by months. So much love from so many has held me up. Thank you

    Comment by The Blue Folder — June 30, 2012 @ 7:10 pm |Reply

  2. Learned something new about my sis; I had no idea you always wanted to be a writer. Your natural talent shows through in your writing. It as a lovely balance between heartfelt authenticity and crude hilarity (just like you) 🙂 Mucho love and here’s to life and dreams and hope and shit. xoxox

    Comment by Tara — July 1, 2012 @ 5:00 pm |Reply

    • Sis, did you know that I think you are a wonderful person, if not you do now. Love your response and the way you tossed in the swear word. Heartfelt authenticity,crude hilarity and a great cook. Yep that’s me.

      Comment by The Blue Folder — July 2, 2012 @ 2:33 pm |Reply

  3. Guess what Simone? You did become a writer…and a very good one. I love reading your folder.

    Comment by Marlene Eastman — July 1, 2012 @ 7:22 pm |Reply

  4. In reply to VickiB, (For some reason I can’t reply to your post)

    Hello Angel Vicki, I’ll get those roses planted as soon as I get to the point where I can finally stop moving. I have moved so many times in my life (More than 20) that I have lost count. LOL moving next month. But someday. I would like to get in touch with Deb can you send her address to my email

    Praises to you and to all the cancer patient angels out there.

    Comment by The Blue Folder — July 2, 2012 @ 2:37 pm |Reply

  5. Dear friend, please keep dreaming! I know that thing don’t always happen the way we plan them to go. I also know that Gods plan for us is the best for us at the time. I pray that your dreams do come true. Also I want you to know you have blessed me in so many ways. Your hart is so sweet. I dreamt of beautiful flower gardens in my yard. You brought that dream to fruition. I get to enjoy that everyday! Thank you! I believe that you to will have dreams come true.
    My God Bless you today!!!

    Comment by Tamara Scrimsher — July 2, 2012 @ 6:26 pm |Reply

    • You are so sweet, even from afar. I would love to see some pictures if you get a chance. Love and hugs to your family.

      Comment by The Blue Folder — July 6, 2012 @ 4:30 am |Reply

  6. I concur with Marlene. (I know, I know. Do you EVER have any of your own original thoughts, Marci?) Well, it just turns out that my thoughts are already written down by some other beautiful soul before I can even get done reading your blog.) How’s THAT for writing? LOL

    Hang in there darlin’…

    Luv yah oodles & gobs & gobs always…

    Comment by Marci — July 2, 2012 @ 7:38 pm |Reply

    • Oh yes your thoughts are original and so filled with your special kind of extra warm love only you can give and thats why we love YOU.

      Comment by The Blue Folder — July 6, 2012 @ 4:32 am |Reply

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