June 30, 2012

Dreams, plans and other stupidities

I’ve been thinking a lot about the dreaming and planning we put into our lives.  Each and everyday this process plays out in our head. Dreams and plans such as looking forward to pancakes for breakfast,  to a favorite weekly show being on TV that night, to a visit with people you care about, to a special vacation, to starting a new endeavor.  They are all equal and require the process of thinking about them. In my mind this thinking brings me joy and angst.  Joy in using the brain and heart, angst that everything does not quite manifest they way I had it pictured in my mind. Kinda pisses me off.

When I was young, about ten, I thought I would be a writer, all my life I thought I was going to be writer, but it just never happened.  Well not on paper anyway. I write in my head, all day everyday.  The cool thing about writing the story in your head is that unlike life you can rewind and write a new ending until it suits you. But rarely did the poems, stories, books or movie scripts make it onto paper.

When I was young, about eighteen, I wanted to be a pilot who flew big jet planes. I can still feel that same desire I felt then to fly. But it never happened. Which makes me think of the time I didn’t want a big black and hairy dog and I ended up with two. I love them so very much.  What happened to my planning there? Was I ever really in control of making my own plans?  Howard and Sade (The dogs) are happy with the outcome.  What about the time I planned for my daughter’s piano recital which she dreaded/feared going to.  After much ado the family was off to  help her conquer her fear and cheer her on.  I can still picture her in that beautiful cream and burgundy dress with tears running down her cheeks.  When we pulled into the church parking lot it was empty, I went inside in a slight panic and found out it was not this church and there was no way to find out the correct one.  No way to fix this one, Miranda was ecstatic with outcome of these best laid plans. I remember throwing a coin into a beautiful giant water fountain in Golden Gate Park. I closed my eyes, made my wish and tossed that coin with the best of intentions to live happily ever after with the person who was standing beside me. Boy was that a mistake.  I could go on and on but for the most part things just don’t seem to play out like we dreamed and planned. So why bother dreaming and planning at all? So easy to say, not so easy to do.

When I was young, about twenty-five, I wanted to get my fruit tress and roses planted that I would be picking from and gazing upon in my old age. As a gardener I knew it would take a good ten to fifteen years for them to become fully mature and magnificent, I had to get going. I have not planted those fruit tress or roses yet.  It’s not too late as I am only 50 but I sure thought I would have been planted somewhere permanent so I could have had them in the ground by now.  Well actually I did get them planted once but it turns out they were not to be the ones I would be gazing upon when I am old. Once again best laid plans. I still yearn for this as much as I did when I was young.

When I was young, about fifty, I lost (the word lost is used as an emotion not a fact) my husband and developed Breast Cancer.  I can assure you this was not in my dreams and planning process.  And now I question every decision I have ever made and every one I will make in the future. But since I really have no control, why bother?  Well off I go head and heart first to dreamimg and planning, to which I remain ever hopeful.


June 5, 2012

Underneath the holly tree

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 3:42 pm
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Saturday morning up early with the birds. The dogs have been fed and gone back to bed. Here I sit with my morning coffee underneath the Holly tree. The cats are milling about; the goldfish in the water garden are enjoying their morning feeding. The wind chimes and the bamboo make music in the wind. A Woodpecker bathes just a few feet from where a sit while a Warbler sings from a tree top.  My coffee is cold and almost empty yet I dare not move. Rufus towhee, tit mouse, junco, finch, mourning dove, sparrow, blue jay, chickadee, fly-catcher, as well as a few I cannot name (yet) are a glorious site as they eat the birdseed I have put out. They are so close I can see minute details on each one. It’s amazing the way nature has taken grey, brown, black, white, orange, blue, red and created individual masterpieces out of each and every one. There must be close to one hundred birds in the trees around me, all with a different call to delight me and all the while the Warbler sings from high in the tree top, his song the most beautiful to me. The Warbler most often heard but not seen, he showed up sometime in February still don’t know what that bugger looks like.

Landing on the chair next to me is a small brownish bird. Jumping from arm to arm and back again, to the back of the chair, to the table and then onto the arm of my chair just inches from me. There he sat delivering his message. What was his message I wondered. I was not familiar with the type of bird this was.  The next I saw a post on face book of a wren someone had photographed in Yaak, Montana. I shrieked with delight, it was my bird. I rushed to look up the Wren and it’s symbolic meaning.  “A messenger from the God.  The Great Creator sends the little birds around to check up on us, to evaluate our behavior, and to listen to our prayers. The wren is an active little bird, and so it’s symbolic meanings include activity, vibrancy, alertness and efficiency. The wren is rarely seen resting on her laurels.  Further, the wren is quite sociable. She reminds us to keep a happy heart and be kind to others. If wrens have come into your life, it is time to ask yourself some important questions. Are you using the resources available to you? Are others? Are you not displaying enough confidence? Are you so wrapped up in daily worries that you are forgetting to sing? Are you not staying grounded? Are you not seeing the forest because of the trees? Are you not attacking your life with enough gusto? Wren holds the medicine for using what is available, and can teach you the most effective means to build within your own environment. Prophecy: Living life to the fullest, making progress each day, protecting yourself when necessary.”  I had asked God for a visible sign, I thought it would be a big sign not a big message sent in a tiny package.

It’s been a crazy ride here the last few weeks. Finding out how much of a mental game having cancer is, having to dig deep and reach far to find my center.  So please forgive me if I have brushed you off, ignored your call or text etc. I will be back soon to annoy the heck out of all of you.

A few kind words, a few reminder words, a few stern words, a few cards in the mail, a few checks, a few food cards, a few chores done, a few meals dropped off, a few meals bought, a few bouquets of flowers left on the door step, a few pink baskets filled with goodies, a few hugs and a lot of big-hearted people. Thank you all for your love and support.

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