April 8, 2012

I have a dream

Chemo #7 complete, tumor is almost gone! Wish I could just take my ball and go home now.  Getting into the rhythm of this portion of the treatment, dealing with side effects as they come and go.  Funny I feel so normal, yet so abnormal. Well we all know I’m abnormal but you know what I mean. Trying hard to get on with my life despite the trials and tribulations associated with cancer.   Actually been keeping busy, getting out a lot during the day, early to bed and up early to get at the day while I have energy.  Noticed I am becoming OCD, trying to stay ahead of my lack of stamina and chemo brain.  Am really surprised how much time it takes to take care of a cancer body.  My body and my brain are slower yet my soul is soaring with hope, love and gratitude.

     I’m in this large water canal filled with brown murky water, swimming along a giant old rusty white ship trying to figure a way out of the massive canal, thinking I can swim under the bow of the ship to get to shore on the other side, my legs get pinned under the ship as they are sucked into some part of the motor, I struggled to break free and wonder why I did not realize this would happen, of course the water would be sucked in the front end and then out the back, somehow I break free, I decide to climb up the front of the ship hoping someone will see me, end up very high on a small ledge, no one sees me, with nowhere to go but back in the water I jump, falling, falling, falling, falling, how could I have not realized how high up I was. I decide to swim to a shore I see in the far distance, I close my eyes and focus on fighting the current, when I open my eyes I am swimming in a dark walled tunnel with trains tracks overhead and goose poop floating thick in the water, I keep swimming and wonder if I well die before I reach the end of the tunnel which I cannot see,  finally light, I swim harder excited to burst free, I come out to find the banks covered thick with black beery brambles, they have also grown into the water shore to shore, nothing to do but swim right through them, it’s gonna hurt, I can do it, here goes.

Getting out every day for the mandatory walk for myself and the dogs, yesterday I ran into a women who really wanted me to contact her friend Julie who cured her breast cancer tumor three years ago.  No Chemo, no surgery, no radiation…she smokes a joint a day, drinks 5 cups of green tea and changed her diet.  “Cured” she said, wondering if I should change to her doctor.

The love and kindness of people has me in awe and holds me up. Armando comes weekly to let the dogs out on Chemo day and wraps me in big bear hugs every time he sees me.  Juliana is a cleaning tornado and makes the house feel exactly as OCD as I like it.  Cherris brings her giant heart and the “Traveling Pink Basket” filled with the most wonderful uplifting goodies, it’s kind of like Christmas. Chris and Lindy bought me some adorable hats and a soft pretty scarf to cute me up, it worked! Tara has been sending weekly beautiful cards to counteract the bills in the mailbox; she brought me a delicious dinner one night and spent two great sister filled nights. Bob makes me great food, brings me flowers and took me out to another delightful dinner.  Donna (Who is a school teacher) sent a package with cards made by her students. They were on pretty paper with get well wishes and a joke in each one, it was a joyful heartwarming package.  Betty sent an adorable bunny basket filled with skin moistening products.  Coralee and Anna brightened my mailbox.  Chris, Karen, Terry and Lindy are keeping the word “We” is my cancer battle. These ladies are amazing and put joy in this journey.

Charlie the bad dog, ate all of the candy for Miranda’s Easter basket before I could fill her basket, chewed up her tube of Burt’s Bee’s lip stuff and killed the cute yellow cheeping chick too. Not sure if was his diarrhea or mine that prompted this dream…

     It’s my birthday tomorrow, my Mom didn’t make me a cake, I need a cake, going to make my own. Go to Safeway, trying to find ingredients, the lights go out, I am frustrated, Oh no gotta use the restroom! Now!  Hurry where is it? I find it, my friend Chris is there, she has diarrhea too. There is only one stall and it is taken, there are at least ten other people waiting, men and women and they have diarrhea too. Frustrated I think I can drive the forty five minutes home and make it.  My car is the room I jump in it only to find the steering wheel missing.  Lets just end this dream here, I did not make it home.

Love and Hugs, S

ps   You know you have cancer when…you can’t wait for the seson premiere of “The Big C” (Showtime tonight)



  1. Hi Simone

    Happy Easter!
    It is so nice to hear from you. I am having a few health problems myself but am praying for a healthy recovery. Nothing like you and I admire you so much. KEEP YOUR FAITH WORKING FOR YOU!

    Comment by Marlene Eastman — April 8, 2012 @ 6:26 pm |Reply

    • Oh no Marlene, Hope not serious! Sounds like you need a good long well deserved rest. Happy Easter XO S

      Comment by The Blue Folder — April 8, 2012 @ 9:01 pm |Reply

  2. HAPPY EASTER Simone, mein schatzi!!! I have a head cold otherwise I would come and visitchoo. I’ll be better soon, God willing.

    You are SO missed @ Spice but we ALL continue to pray for your continued healing & recovery, you sweet, adorable thang, you. SOOO thankful to hear your tumor is “almost gone.” PRAISE THE LORD!!!

    Always remember how much you are thought of and loved, dear one.

    (((Big bunny hugs)))

    XOXO Marci

    Comment by Marci — April 8, 2012 @ 10:20 pm |Reply

  3. So happy to hear of your good results! Hope things continue to go well for you and soon you are cancer free! Always in our prayers… Vikki and Deb

    Comment by Deb's Healing Support Team — April 10, 2012 @ 8:24 pm |Reply

  4. Anne Morrow Lindberg is one of my favorite poets. I’m so glad you like her work! Boy is your list going to shrink when your tumor is finally gone! Your embarrassment will change to pride in having fought a tough fight well.

    Comment by Joy Snow — April 15, 2012 @ 5:50 pm |Reply

    • Today is sunny and yellow and I’m feeling much more mellow. So I’m not Lindberg but I appreciate that she was willing to talk about feeling down. But you are right the list will shrink like the tumor. Hope all is well with you and yours. Give your hubby a hug for me. He is responsible for me being in the right place.

      Comment by The Blue Folder — April 15, 2012 @ 11:40 pm |Reply

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