thebluefolder

April 22, 2012

Climbing Mt. Everest

This cancer is a strange animal putting me in my own little world yet part of a much bigger world as well. I hear the loving voices, I fell the soft hands holding me up and for each and everyone no matter how small I am grateful.  I feel like I am climbing Mount Everest and I have a cheering squad calling me from the top “You can do it, you can do it, here grab my rope and hold on tight, we won’t let you fall”.  This last week has been very interesting in that I needed to let go of the ropes being tossed to me to see what it would be like if they were not there for me to hold on so tightly to.  I climbed, I cryed, I rested and though I let go of the ropes I could still feel  your pull right along with me. I found my own strenghth as well, took the time to look at what was possible for me right now and how to do “what I can” to the max.  This has made me feel less vulnerable and more powerful, I can’t do it all but I can do a lot. I can see the top of the mountian and that’s where I am going.

Chemo #9 over and done.  The doctors seem quite marveled/thirlled with the shrinkage of the tumor, It is no longer mesurable without machinary. Still have to have chemo part two, surgery and radiation. Side effects come and go, yes they are a bummer but not worse than death.  As the saying goes “The best way to get through hell is straight through it”.

Side Effects~

Painful rashy bald head, pain in stomach, bloat,nausea,  darkening brittle painful finger tips and toe tips (This is a real bummer), clumsiness, sinus and ear pain, hot flashes, sore throat, diarreaha, sensitive skin, sore teeth, general slowness and the port hurts alot, could be my least favorite part. (It will be removed with surgery, yippee!)

With the utmost gratitude to all of those who have reached out, your hand feels so nice.

April 14, 2012

Serious undocumented cancer side effect occuring

Everything today has been

heavy and brown.

Bring me a Unicorn

to ride about the town.

                                                                      Anne Morrow Lindberg

Been a rough few days…didn’t even cry this much when I found out I had cancer.  I’ll be fine, I’ll get over it, I’ll persevere, but today…

Cancer is embarrassing.

Embarrassed…

To be poor

To be bald

To be bald with a red bumpy rash

To be divorced

To need help

To have bloody snot rags in the bathroom toilet

To have side effects

To have my main topic of conversation to be cancer/me

To be judged

To wear a wig

To lie when I really do need help

To wish I had a Mom that was closer

To want lie down

To make poor choices

To not be able to pay my share

To not be able to commit

To have my children see me looking cancery

To make payments on or have overdue bills

To have cancer

To be alone

To have to cancel

To have wet farts

To forget things

To not be strong

To ask for help

To have splurged

To not be sharp

To have a dirty car

To be whining now

To have a drunk ex

To not have a cash safety net

To have thinning pubic hairs

To need to walk slower

To want

To have forgotten/overlooked/missed something important to someone

To have pride

To not be able to help others more

To cry

Embarrassed to be embarrassed.

April 8, 2012

I have a dream

Chemo #7 complete, tumor is almost gone! Wish I could just take my ball and go home now.  Getting into the rhythm of this portion of the treatment, dealing with side effects as they come and go.  Funny I feel so normal, yet so abnormal. Well we all know I’m abnormal but you know what I mean. Trying hard to get on with my life despite the trials and tribulations associated with cancer.   Actually been keeping busy, getting out a lot during the day, early to bed and up early to get at the day while I have energy.  Noticed I am becoming OCD, trying to stay ahead of my lack of stamina and chemo brain.  Am really surprised how much time it takes to take care of a cancer body.  My body and my brain are slower yet my soul is soaring with hope, love and gratitude.

     I’m in this large water canal filled with brown murky water, swimming along a giant old rusty white ship trying to figure a way out of the massive canal, thinking I can swim under the bow of the ship to get to shore on the other side, my legs get pinned under the ship as they are sucked into some part of the motor, I struggled to break free and wonder why I did not realize this would happen, of course the water would be sucked in the front end and then out the back, somehow I break free, I decide to climb up the front of the ship hoping someone will see me, end up very high on a small ledge, no one sees me, with nowhere to go but back in the water I jump, falling, falling, falling, falling, how could I have not realized how high up I was. I decide to swim to a shore I see in the far distance, I close my eyes and focus on fighting the current, when I open my eyes I am swimming in a dark walled tunnel with trains tracks overhead and goose poop floating thick in the water, I keep swimming and wonder if I well die before I reach the end of the tunnel which I cannot see,  finally light, I swim harder excited to burst free, I come out to find the banks covered thick with black beery brambles, they have also grown into the water shore to shore, nothing to do but swim right through them, it’s gonna hurt, I can do it, here goes.

Getting out every day for the mandatory walk for myself and the dogs, yesterday I ran into a women who really wanted me to contact her friend Julie who cured her breast cancer tumor three years ago.  No Chemo, no surgery, no radiation…she smokes a joint a day, drinks 5 cups of green tea and changed her diet.  “Cured” she said, wondering if I should change to her doctor.

The love and kindness of people has me in awe and holds me up. Armando comes weekly to let the dogs out on Chemo day and wraps me in big bear hugs every time he sees me.  Juliana is a cleaning tornado and makes the house feel exactly as OCD as I like it.  Cherris brings her giant heart and the “Traveling Pink Basket” filled with the most wonderful uplifting goodies, it’s kind of like Christmas. Chris and Lindy bought me some adorable hats and a soft pretty scarf to cute me up, it worked! Tara has been sending weekly beautiful cards to counteract the bills in the mailbox; she brought me a delicious dinner one night and spent two great sister filled nights. Bob makes me great food, brings me flowers and took me out to another delightful dinner.  Donna (Who is a school teacher) sent a package with cards made by her students. They were on pretty paper with get well wishes and a joke in each one, it was a joyful heartwarming package.  Betty sent an adorable bunny basket filled with skin moistening products.  Coralee and Anna brightened my mailbox.  Chris, Karen, Terry and Lindy are keeping the word “We” is my cancer battle. These ladies are amazing and put joy in this journey.

Charlie the bad dog, ate all of the candy for Miranda’s Easter basket before I could fill her basket, chewed up her tube of Burt’s Bee’s lip stuff and killed the cute yellow cheeping chick too. Not sure if was his diarrhea or mine that prompted this dream…

     It’s my birthday tomorrow, my Mom didn’t make me a cake, I need a cake, going to make my own. Go to Safeway, trying to find ingredients, the lights go out, I am frustrated, Oh no gotta use the restroom! Now!  Hurry where is it? I find it, my friend Chris is there, she has diarrhea too. There is only one stall and it is taken, there are at least ten other people waiting, men and women and they have diarrhea too. Frustrated I think I can drive the forty five minutes home and make it.  My car is the room I jump in it only to find the steering wheel missing.  Lets just end this dream here, I did not make it home.

Love and Hugs, S

ps   You know you have cancer when…you can’t wait for the seson premiere of “The Big C” (Showtime tonight)

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