March 20, 2012

(Reposted due to error) OK I admit it “I feel like crap!”

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 6:56 pm

Last Friday night I hit a wall. Been fighting some kind of virus and the virus won.  Told to be on bed rest to avoid it settling in my lungs. Borrrrrrrrrring. I don’t do bed rest well.  But I am doing as told, the dogs keep sniffing my nose checking on me and sure are enjoying having me lay around  all day. Much of the symptoms are the same as Chemo side effects so it is confusing, what is not confusing is that I feel like crap.  In small bits I can fake it for the kids but it has not been a good week. Can’t help trying/needing to be strong/normal even if it is in small bits.

Have plenty of time for reflecting, too much time in fact. Feeling alone, it is what it is, I am alone the vast majority of the time due to my singleness.  When I fart, or leave bloody snot rags on the night stand or just look bad I appreciate being alone and not having to cover up the grossness. Other times I wish someone would do the little things like make me cup of hot tea with honey or a small dish of Rocky Road ice cream or pick up some cold medicine or go to the bank or take the dogs for a walk or just hold my hand. Oh and pay the bills that would be nice too.  Sometimes I don’t want to do this cancer thing anymore, it just seems too much.  LOL Like I have a choice.

I feel so very disappointed with where things are after my move to California. I came here to get to work and enjoy the company of my friends and family, neither of which is occurring.  I am reluctant to make any plans because I don’t know how I am going to feel physically or mentally.  How can I reach out to others in need, I want to but it seems like I have too much on my own plate.  I feel like I am in an “I” bubble and I don’t like it!

So many people ask how I am feeling, they want details, trying to get to the bottom of how I feel  because this chemo things is so different for each person so they have no clue.  I feel like a whiner when I tell how I feel. I get tired of telling how I feel and I forget because I feel so much and am trying to ignore how I feel.  I created this blog so I could let you know without having to say it so many times and so when I am with you I can not talk about it so much. “I feel like crap” sums it up. OK OK the details…Constant headache (Which makes covering up my bald head hard because I don’t want any pressure on it) massive sinus pain/congestion/bloody snot,  sore throat and pain in ears, port hurts (Sometimes I just want to rip it out), back hurts, fingers ache, tips of fingers hurt, knees to toes hurt, left toes numb, overall fatigue, cough, skin is drying out, diarrhea, dizziness & Chemo brain. It’s a lot I know but I am hanging tough (Most of the time).

Getting ready on Sunday for breakfast at the Hickory Pit and to take Sherman to the airport, I call Miranda into the bathroom mirror for a fashion check. “Ok black hat, black hat with grey flower or bald?” “Well I like the one with the grey flower but either way everyone is going to know you have cancer Mom” We both laughed.

Thankful beyond thankful. Overwhelmed by all

I have sure enjoyed getting cards in the mail, makes me not dislike the sound of mail truck so much.  Geez that sucker is noisy and sure can carry a lot of bills at once.

So many people have called just to check on me and say “Hi”, which has a lingering effect.

My Ya’s Ya’s are there at every turn, Thank God.

Miranda is constant and strong (and funny)

Rob and Laura, friends from Sandpoint were visiting, I was too sick for a long visit but they stopped in gave me incredible hugs that I can still feel. And they also helped keep my car parked in my driveway.

Terry and Alan kept my car rolling down the highway.

Armando lets the dogs out on Chemo days

My cousin Cherris made something she calls the traveling pink basket (filled with goodies) which showed up again on Sunday, I was sick and groggy but it was a nice distraction. I am wearing my new pink slippers and jammies now. It feels good to have on something different and fresh.

Julianna came and cleaned to house top to bottom, in and out and all around. Made me feel human again.

Chris and Steve kept the roof over my head and heat and lights on.

Lindy and Wynn put food on the table.

Judd and Ildiko paid for some meds and gas in the cars.

And mostly I can feel so much love and caring, it is really beautiful.

How can I be so blessed?  Thank you all.



  1. That Sucks!! So sorry! Hang in there beautiful one. Hugs from Sandpoint.

    Comment by Tamara — March 20, 2012 @ 8:43 pm |Reply

  2. You have the right to feel like crap, like it or not.
    What’s up with this lost post, repost, can’t find post? Having a case of chemo brain?
    Welcome to both clubs. 🙂

    Comment by Carina — March 20, 2012 @ 11:30 pm |Reply

  3. Well, I totally agree with Carina….You have every right to feel like crap!!!

    I do, in fact, hope your virus goes away and you start to feel better & over your virus SOON!!! THAT cannot possibly be any picnic! LOL

    Call me 687-3685, when you’re up for more company or house cleaning, or gasoline, or grocery shopping, or just whatever sweet dear.

    Luv you oodles & gobs & praying lotz n’ lotz!!! XOXOXOXOXOXO…

    Comment by Marci — March 21, 2012 @ 2:53 am |Reply

  4. Simone, you are such a grand fighter and I admire you so much. I wish I wasn’t so wrapped up in doing my business and moving. This has turned out to be the most stressful time in my life and I am ready for it to end. For me it will end. Then I think about you and scold myself. Marlene

    Comment by Marlene Eastman — March 21, 2012 @ 1:50 pm |Reply

    • Marlene, I hope you get things wrapped up soon and find a little peace in your life. Hugs to you

      Comment by The Blue Folder — March 22, 2012 @ 1:43 pm |Reply

  5. I agree, you very much have a right to feel like crap, but dang! Who wants to exercise *that* right?!?! I hear you about the “I” bubble being hard. Cancer has put you there for now (except for the fabulous people you are connecting to through the experience). Try to remember that it is for a (relatively) short period of time. Probably doesn’t feel short while you are in it!! But you will be able to stand well outside of this and look back. Sometimes, when I’ve felt trapped or disappointed about the way things are in the present, I try to stand in the shoes of my future-self looking back. Seeing where I am now from the perspective of that future-self has helped sometimes; reminds me that the time will come….

    Comment by Tara — March 21, 2012 @ 7:22 pm |Reply

  6. Simone you are a beautiful soulful woman! I hope we all look back at these days as trying, but manageable. This is our Big C village right now and we are the tribe, no one gets left behind.

    Sending lots of love your way…

    Deb’s caretaker

    Comment by Deb's Healing Support Team — March 23, 2012 @ 8:48 pm |Reply

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