thebluefolder

March 28, 2012

There’s a bald lady in my mirror

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 2:51 am
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Where the heck have I been? What day is it? What year is it? Questions I seriously ask myself?  Since Sherman left I went into slow motion, not going out, not calling, not writing just in this inward (tired) place. Trying hard to find peace with it but find that I don’t have the energy to fight it either.  Not to worry I am not down and out and need help, actually feeling so much better that the virus and the sinus infection have passed, just trying to to do what my body says/feels.  I do go for a walk with the dogs almost every day, I do clean, cook and spend alot of time on my health. Boy this cancer is a part time job for sure.  Last Thursday on Chemo day which I went to with Chris and Karen (Two of my Ya Ya gals) the doctor told me my tumor had shrunk from 5x6cm to 3x3cm, praise God and UCSF for that!  My goal is to stay as strong as I can so that I do not have a low blood cell count and get a delay in treatment. I do this by taking my supplements, eating right, drinking lots of water, moving to keep my circulation going and rest when needed. So far so good.

Still can’t get used to seeing a bald lady in the mirror, nor the fact that the shampoo slides right off and I don’t have to comb my hair, or dry my hair. I also really notice everyone elses hair like never before, hair really is pretty and different on each person.

I love to cook my chicken with dried Tarragon. I ran out and since I eat a lot of chicken (high in protein) I made it a priority to get some more, I went to three stores before I finally found some, brought it home went to put in in the empty Tarragon mason jar only to find it full. Full! What the the hell? I still can’t figure out when or where! Chemo brain for sure. I find myself doing a lot of preplanning/list making etc. to try and compensate. I figure it’s good practice for my later years in life.

Went for my first public outing, a memorial for a wonderful 105 year old women, so glad my sister was here to get ready with me and that she drove, really did not feel like it and most likely would have stayed home.  Cried a few tears for some reason, got myself all the way dressed except for the head, debated/settled on a hat over the wig and off we went.  Didn’t feel like my outward exuberant self but was glad I went.

 

Good things about cancer~

learning to be frugal

drinking less wine (Only because I don’t feel like it, but it does saves money LOL)

more hugs, more hugs

laying around with the dogs

weight loss

introspection

more chatting with family

friends love

 

New side effects~

Light sensitivity

diminished eye sight

Taste changes

Rash on head

 

Love Love Love, S

 

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March 20, 2012

(Reposted due to error) OK I admit it “I feel like crap!”

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 6:56 pm

Last Friday night I hit a wall. Been fighting some kind of virus and the virus won.  Told to be on bed rest to avoid it settling in my lungs. Borrrrrrrrrring. I don’t do bed rest well.  But I am doing as told, the dogs keep sniffing my nose checking on me and sure are enjoying having me lay around  all day. Much of the symptoms are the same as Chemo side effects so it is confusing, what is not confusing is that I feel like crap.  In small bits I can fake it for the kids but it has not been a good week. Can’t help trying/needing to be strong/normal even if it is in small bits.

Have plenty of time for reflecting, too much time in fact. Feeling alone, it is what it is, I am alone the vast majority of the time due to my singleness.  When I fart, or leave bloody snot rags on the night stand or just look bad I appreciate being alone and not having to cover up the grossness. Other times I wish someone would do the little things like make me cup of hot tea with honey or a small dish of Rocky Road ice cream or pick up some cold medicine or go to the bank or take the dogs for a walk or just hold my hand. Oh and pay the bills that would be nice too.  Sometimes I don’t want to do this cancer thing anymore, it just seems too much.  LOL Like I have a choice.

I feel so very disappointed with where things are after my move to California. I came here to get to work and enjoy the company of my friends and family, neither of which is occurring.  I am reluctant to make any plans because I don’t know how I am going to feel physically or mentally.  How can I reach out to others in need, I want to but it seems like I have too much on my own plate.  I feel like I am in an “I” bubble and I don’t like it!

So many people ask how I am feeling, they want details, trying to get to the bottom of how I feel  because this chemo things is so different for each person so they have no clue.  I feel like a whiner when I tell how I feel. I get tired of telling how I feel and I forget because I feel so much and am trying to ignore how I feel.  I created this blog so I could let you know without having to say it so many times and so when I am with you I can not talk about it so much. “I feel like crap” sums it up. OK OK the details…Constant headache (Which makes covering up my bald head hard because I don’t want any pressure on it) massive sinus pain/congestion/bloody snot,  sore throat and pain in ears, port hurts (Sometimes I just want to rip it out), back hurts, fingers ache, tips of fingers hurt, knees to toes hurt, left toes numb, overall fatigue, cough, skin is drying out, diarrhea, dizziness & Chemo brain. It’s a lot I know but I am hanging tough (Most of the time).

Getting ready on Sunday for breakfast at the Hickory Pit and to take Sherman to the airport, I call Miranda into the bathroom mirror for a fashion check. “Ok black hat, black hat with grey flower or bald?” “Well I like the one with the grey flower but either way everyone is going to know you have cancer Mom” We both laughed.

Thankful beyond thankful. Overwhelmed by all

I have sure enjoyed getting cards in the mail, makes me not dislike the sound of mail truck so much.  Geez that sucker is noisy and sure can carry a lot of bills at once.

So many people have called just to check on me and say “Hi”, which has a lingering effect.

My Ya’s Ya’s are there at every turn, Thank God.

Miranda is constant and strong (and funny)

Rob and Laura, friends from Sandpoint were visiting, I was too sick for a long visit but they stopped in gave me incredible hugs that I can still feel. And they also helped keep my car parked in my driveway.

Terry and Alan kept my car rolling down the highway.

Armando lets the dogs out on Chemo days

My cousin Cherris made something she calls the traveling pink basket (filled with goodies) which showed up again on Sunday, I was sick and groggy but it was a nice distraction. I am wearing my new pink slippers and jammies now. It feels good to have on something different and fresh.

Julianna came and cleaned to house top to bottom, in and out and all around. Made me feel human again.

Chris and Steve kept the roof over my head and heat and lights on.

Lindy and Wynn put food on the table.

Judd and Ildiko paid for some meds and gas in the cars.

And mostly I can feel so much love and caring, it is really beautiful.

How can I be so blessed?  Thank you all.

March 17, 2012

Not a good time to commit a crime

Boy what a week, three trips to UCSF for progress tests and Chemo in addition to Sherman being  home on spring break.  He is doing great and it’s nice to have  home. This was our first visit since all the cancer stuff went down. He sure wanted to be here for me , kept assuring him I am good hands is so many unbelievable ways and to get on with his new life. He went to two of the appointments with me. Twas very nice.

Feeling a mix of assorted symptoms , some constant, some come and go but nothing more than slowing me down and causing me to put much more thought into everything I do, if I can remember to do it.  Chemo brain is quite present and I am finding my way as to how not to be so affected by it. I keep a note pad close by and hope I remember what to write down.  It’s actually quite disturbing. A few examples of fuzzy brain:

I was dishing up dinner plates and put the salad dressing on the plates before the salad

I get a thought I rush to grab the note pad and before I can get out the note pad the thought is gone

I was putting away dishes and had my frying pan in hand and I just stood there stareing at it for the longest time  trying so hard to remember where it goes in my kitchen

Sent Miranda to a doctors appointment which I logged into my calender on the wrong day

Went to Safeway to pick up a prescription, got home and thought “Shoot I forgot to pick up my prescription” but then remembered I did. The next day waiting in the doctors office ‘Shoot I forgot to pick up my prescription”  but then remembered I did.

My typing skills are severely diminished

There are many more but I can’t remember what they are.

Shaved my head, couldn’t take shedding more than my dogs that I have to vacuum up after daily. It was so yucky having hair everywhere and I mean everywhere. Not a good time to commit a crime as your hair samples would surely be left behind. I went to a salon owned by a dear sweet lady, filled with such caring and loving women who took extra good care of me.  When I checked in at the front desk there were three ladies behind the counter, I told them my name and they gave the “You’ve got cancer look on their faces” but quickly swaddled me in love and laughter. They shaved, washed conditioned and massaged my head. Sent me off with promises to pray for me.

I have one friend who volunteered to shave her head is solidarity and one who volunteered to shave hers legs, such good friends. Just too much to ask though.

Today I planned an impromptu “check out my bald head” get together at a friends, made an awesome baked goat cheese appetizer, we sipped wine and tried on my wig, hats and scarves and had fun, so nice to have sisters and girlfriends. Two hours of  fun was more than enough fun for me, came home took a hot bath and went to bed.Think I’m getting a virus.

Eeeeee gads, I’m bald! Not nearly as bad as I thought. I bought a very cute wig, I have hats, I have scarves, but for now bald feels best.

So many loving hearts with me and for this I am sooo grateful.  What would I do without all of you. See that smile on my face in that bald photo, It’s because I am loved and cared for by you.   XO S

March 16, 2012

Sometimes dead is good

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 5:55 am
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Hello All,

Home in my bed, Ahhhhhhhhh. UCSF on T W & TH this week. Test results show “Dead Tissue” and that is a great thing. Nice to have results info so early. Drink a glass of wine for me!  Chemo was a very long day but Sherman went with me and that was very nice.  It’s over for a week but I am already setting things up for next week, it gets here so damn fast.  Trying to ignore/manage side effects and not focus on them. More on those tomorrow. Came home took a long hot bubble bath, ate a fabulous Portuguese soup Bob made and brought over along with a bouquet of  happy yellow flowers. So very nice! The cheerful flowers inspired me to fluff up the whole living area. All ready for tomorrow. Miranda went to Safeway and got Rocky Road ice cream for me. Sucked that down and now want to sleep. Good night all.

Love and many Thank you’s,

Baldy (not so bad really)

March 12, 2012

Here a hair, there a hair, everywhere a hair…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 6:04 pm
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Ol Simoney is going bald…

The process I had hoped I would somehow would avoid has begun.  It started with a very sensitive, itchy scalp and a hair here, a hair there, everywhere a hair.  Head is itchy but too sensitive to touch, hurts to lay on the pillow, mostly at the crown.  Planning my shave the head day (Wednesday I think) to avoid the mass exodus of hair that happens.  First I will get a Mohawk and take a picture for my goofy family to laugh at and put in the family video and then off with the rest of it.  It’s nine months ish of no hair, seems longer than 5 months of chemo, how vain is that? Started wearing hats yesterday to practice.

 LOL  How cute is this, This would be comforting to little girls with cancer.
Side effects~ Foggy brained,  headache, loose stool, scalp hurts, throat hurts, sinuses hurt,  ears hurt, back hurts, fingers hurt,  port hurts , nauseous, burpy, my vagina and rectum burn (I think that was the chemo drug exiting my body) Hot and chilled. Not dead though 🙂
To all of you who send your love so freely with calls, texts, posts, cards, emails, checks, pink baskets filled with pink goodies, risotto, taking me to my appts, hounding me to take care, etc …Thank you, Thank you!  It means so very much!

March 10, 2012

Who had Chemo yesterday…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 3:51 am
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Chemo yesterday, tumor is smaller and getting soft in one area, yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today, I went to Chris’s house and made flower arangements for an event tomorrow, met with a client, went to the grocery store, carried in and put away the groceries, made a banana cream pie for Sherman’s home coming, watered the front yard, repotted some plants, cleaned up cat barf and diarrhea, did two loads of laundry, got Sherman’s room ready, and am picking him up at the airport at 9:45. Thank god tomorrow is Saturday a rest day.  Hope I do this well.

Symptoms today~

mild headache, sinusitus,weak from the knees down, tense shoulders, kinda feeling floaty brained. HOT!

March 8, 2012

Hugs VS Thugs

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 3:19 pm
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  • Chemo Day #3  (Which on my calender is noted as “Healing day”)
    Let me introduce “The Hugs”   (This what I feel like with all of the love and support I have)
    And now “The Thugs”
    Chemo Day
    Nightmares (4 in one night, two nights in a row. Last night none, Yippee)
    Mean people
    Myself sometimes (Well a lot of the time)
    Bills
    Ex’s
    Car repairs
    Unopened mail
    2 piles of cat vomit on the sofa
    Chemo side effects (Minor nausea, joint pain, sinusitis, headaches,feeling HOT, red face, red arms, and fatigue)
    Lack of ability to commit
    The unknown
    Well off to Chemo day with two Bengal tigers, I think we are gonna win today.

March 7, 2012

Ok I admit it, I slept with another dog

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 5:43 pm
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Another gloriously heavenly day here is California, sometimes I feel like God planned this years very beautiful winter/early spring weather just to lift me up. It would be the pits if were cold and rainy. It helps to get me out for the mandatory daily walks needed for good circulation as well as helps the dogs blow off steam adjusting to the being at home and quite more schedule. (Miranda has also been a trooper helping get them out as well)  Charlie is still a bad dog and a great dog. Both dogs sense something is amiss and try to lay close to me in bed with their head on my me as if they need too. Kinda nice, kinda crowded.  Both dogs greeted me with utter jubilation the other morning when I arrived home from spending the night at a friends who’s husband was out of town.  We had a girl’s night (bible study lesson, dinner and watched “The Bachelor” with is so stupid and useless I love it!)  I love her 13 year old dog Buddy who used to sleep on my bed when he was young, well  now he is an old man and looks up at the bed begging for us to sleep together again. So I got the idea to move a chair and two tables then I put the mattress on the floor which drives my friend and her hubby nuts because the guest room is utterly gorgeous but I can’t help myself. I can see them rolling their eyes and saying what are we going to do wth her. In the morning I put the furniture back, damn that mattress is extra heavy now that I am weake,r and the room is back it’s beautiful self.  And Buddy and I are happy.

You know you have cancer when…

~You meet friends of your friends and the look at your breasts and say”Oooooooooooooooooooh your Simone”

~You start looking for other women with Breast cancer blog sites and feel like you can relate and it brings you joy

~Day after day people call to check on you  (which you appreciate)

~Cancer spam starts showing up

~People call to you how you should try this or that to cure cancer

~You meet a women with cancer and in an instant you are soul mates, and she tells you everything you are going through that you yourself could not put into words.

People I am beginning to think I have cancer, still feels like I am on another planet.

I did not tell Charlie I slept with another dog.

 

 

March 4, 2012

Because people keep asking…

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 10:55 pm
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Thursday Chemo day~Tried & achey and seems so long ago at this point.
Friday ~Stayed in bed until one, hot all over! Numb left toes(Think this is for the duration) blue toes at night, weird but went away. Headache!!!!!
Saturday~Felt good, misc stuff is just part of the norm. Another headache,Hot!
Sunday~ Feel good. Hot! Achy joints, loose stool,minor headache. Rash on arms.
All in all at this point I just feel slowed down but nothing horrible except for that watermelon issue.

What’s up with all this attention? It’s like I have breast cancer or something.

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 10:39 pm
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So much love and caring from the many wonderful people I have been blessed to know in this life (and even some I do not know, go figure) I have always felt joy in knowing and loving all, now it is rushing back like a tidal wave. I feel awkward and overjoyed. My normal self tells me stand strong, stand tall, don’t let them see your weaknesses, I can see that God has other plans for me.

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