thebluefolder

February 26, 2012

And the day is done.

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Feeling kind of loopy, kind of tired and kind of achy. Watched two chick flicks, ate healty food, took my meds,took hot bathes and puttered around home, slowly.  Alone can be good and alone can be bad. It is what it is and I am gratful for pets. Thank you for call,texts, emails and posts. They lift me up.

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The Blue folder (Avoid it if you can)

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 4:45 am
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“You will be given a blue folder by the nurse”  ”Be sure to pick up your blue folder on your way out” “Did they give you a blue folder” I knew I was in trouble when I did not see anyone else leaving the women’s health center with a blue folder. Thus began the wild ride to Breast cancer land.  I felt like I was being sucked into a vortex where all that mattered was healing this alien that had moved into my body, every other other care I had had dissolved into the panicked dreamy state.  Though God, family, friends, neighbors, and pets I have managed to remain calm, have some laughs and educate myself on this journey I am embarking on.  Chemo, surgery, radiation, one year they say.

First Chemo session is over, thank goodness.  It’s stuck me that I didn’t know what I needed until it was presented to me. Two loving friends got up early and drive me into the city for treatment. The two of them were so calm, loving and cute they put me at ease. It was a long day when you threw in the surprise minor surgery to install the port and the various delays of the Chemo. I was exchausted to say the least. Thank goodness they were there.  Came home to a dear neighbor standing curbside with a bouquet of flowers and a wonderful hug.  As I presided towards my home another friend had lit the walkway with votive candles, flowers floating in water, the entire inside of the house looked like a scene from The Bachelor with flowers and candles in every room. I received calls, texts, posts and prayers. A day I could have managed alone instead became a beautiful spot on my heart.

Side effects were minimal, I followed my to-do list to the “T”.  Felt a little odd and really wanted to poop, went to bed very early. Today I just feel slow and kinda groggy but not bad.

Thank you all so much for lifting me up, S

February 25, 2012

Past emails for those who missed them

Filed under: Uncategorized — by The Blue Folder @ 5:52 pm
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1/26/12      Work up bright and early after a horrible nights sleep. I refrained from getting on the Internet last night and searching until I made myself crazy. Thought it might be better for my sleep…wrong…still my nights sleep was like a bad drug trip. Asleep, awake, asleep, always awakening to the same nightmare.
Woke up with a positive attitude, made Miranda breakfast and then searched the Internet. Discovered that a lot of the symptoms that I had attributed to pre-menopause just might not be. Dr. Weinstein also pointed this out to me before he knew anything was wrong. Symptoms like dizziness,lack of concentration/focus, lack of energy,nausea, joint pain etc. But didn’t go crazy with the searching today. I need a prognosis then I can go nuts. Gotta be honest, I’m concerned it’s bad 😦
Got all the necessary info/paperwork over to UCSF by 2:30, took the dogs for a walk hoping for a call to come in, no call. Miranda came home from school and had a bad day so we went to a see “I Bought A Zoo”. The movie was very different from the book in that the book focused on the trials and tribulations of caring for the animals, the major cash flow problems and the problems with the facility itself…it did not focus and a dead Mom like the movie did, Yikes.
1/28/12     Laid down in bed last night and decided I’m not doing the bad drug trip thing again, got up went to Safeway and bought Rocky Road Ice cream (Gotta fatten up for the major weight lose coming my way) and Safeway sleep aid, slept oh so well. I’ll be doing that again tonight. Woke up hoping to hear something, anything, from UCSF. Put in a call, checked my email, nothing! The psychosis set it in, one minute no problem, the next I’m a dead man. The brain in a funny thing. A little Burdy (my friend) must not have been happy about this because the phone rang and I had an appt with the Breast cancer God and tests on Wednesday @ 10:00. I jumped in my car and rushed the test results I have to UCSF with glee, take them, heal me please. Twas a beautiful day for a drive and a great distraction. Then called the fam with the bad news.(Boy it takes along time to call this big group) They put a smile on my face!

Took the dogs for a walk, made a fab meal for Miranda and I. Now have candles burning, a fire going, a nice glass of wine, and Bob Dylan playing the background. What a journey, gonna hang tough, not going down without a fight, feeling grateful, so over whelmed to be so loved.
1/30/12

Is it Wednesday yet?
My days are filled with hope and strength and gratitude. How can I be so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life? Trying to keep busy, the days feel like years, am I mellow dramatic? I sure hope not! I know not how else to feel, keep time moving, keep it moving. Worked at my desk, planted flowers,cleaned out the refridgerator, cleaned out the bath tub, took the dogs to the dog park, gave the dogs a bath, cleaned the bath tub again, washed everything in the house I could wash, cleaned the tea kettle, cleaned the crock pot, did you know that if you flip your crock pot up side down the underside in really dirty including under the handles. Is it Wednesday Yet?
The nights feel like a freight train running through my head,
the engine has a big “C” on it
each car that passes by is a new thought and before I can dissect it another car comes by,
has it spread,
when are they going to take it out,
do I have enough dog food and toilet paper in case they keep me,
can a broken heart give you cancer (tears down the cheeks),
have I had too many chest x rays,
how will I tell the kids,
how sick will I be,
maybe it’s nothing,
would I wear a wig, would it be blue,
should I move,
can I live in my car,
what would I do with my pets,
could I be without them,
maybe Miranda should go back to Idaho,
will Sherman need to come home and take a job,
wonder how awful it looks to have your breasts removed,
Am I going to run out of laundry detergent,
should I plan my funeral just in case,
I’ve never seen Paris,
why am I alone at night,
it has spread to my eye lashes, I’m just sure of it.
Finally a caboose telling me to be calm, all will be ok.
But the train is on a loop track, oh no here comes the engine again.
Night all, I will be strong no matter what cards dealt.
2/5/12

 Another bad dream, (tired of those) started the day overwhelmed and feeling blue, went back to bed! Later took a cancer book to the happiest place on earth, the dog park! Stayed for an hour and a half while reading and smiling at the dogs. At one point Sade climbed up onto the concrete picnic table I was sitting at, people laughed, I pushed her off, she got back on, people laughed,Charlie then got on, people laughed, then he started to hump her right on the table, boy did the people laugh then! Never a dull moment with Charlie around.
The books I bought are really helpful, taking away some of the unknown really helps. Pet CT scan tomorrow and a bunch of tests on Tuesday, should have all the info needed to determine treatment plan. Yikes! ready or not here it comes.
2/12/12     

Busy getting things ready for my new regiment which starts 2/23. It’s quite bizarre what is and is not important to me at this time. I feel kind of out of my body yet so clear and focused. I am going into this with a positive attitude thinking it’s not going to kick my butt and will make adjustments from there. I plan to go to the first treatment with Chris & Lindy, then plan to go home and eat the meal I will set up in my crock pot and then sit back and see how it going to goes. Please don’t try and talk me out of this, I really don’t want people watching and waiting for me to barf and if I do, I know how to clean it up if necessary.If I need help there are many loving people a phone call away.
I have Appts T,W & TH next week. The brain MRI is on Wednesday which my brother Gary, and sister Virginia, are going to with me. Before the test we are going to eat at San Woh’s in Chinatown, I’m drooling already! My Sister is going to all of the other appts that week as well.
FYI You can have nightmares on Ambian. Last night I dreamt that Charlie had been hit by a car. I was not there when he was hit and the people who were did not get him to me until two weeks after the accident, they presented me with this emaciated wounded almost dead dog. I put in under my shirt next to my stomach and chest like I did to comfort my babies when they were little and took him to the vet. They told it was going to be a battle but he was going to live. Later on that morning I realized that I was dreaming about myself. I also dreamt about little kids, iguanas and Macaws but I am not seeming any parallels there, LOL.
2/16/12

Busy getting things ready for my new regiment which starts 2/23. It’s quite bizarre what is and is not important to me at this time. I feel kind of out of my body yet so clear and focused. I am going into this with a positive attitude thinking it’s not going to kick my butt and will make adjustments from there. I plan to go to the first treatment with Chris & Lindy, then plan to go home and eat the meal I will set up in my crock pot and then sit back and see how it going to goes. Please don’t try and talk me out of this, I really don’t want people watching and waiting for me to barf and if I do, I know how to clean it up if necessary.If I need help there are many loving people a phone call away.
I have Appts T,W & TH next week. The brain MRI is on Wednesday which my brother Gary, and sister Virginia, are going to with me. Before the test we are going to eat at San Woh’s in Chinatown, I’m drooling already! My Sister is going to all of the other appts that week as well.
FYI You can have nightmares on Ambian. Last night I dreamt that Charlie had been hit by a car. I was not there when he was hit and the people who were did not get him to me until two weeks after the accident, they presented me with this emaciated wounded almost dead dog. I put in under my shirt next to my stomach and chest like I did to comfort my babies when they were little and took him to the vet. They told it was going to be a battle but he was going to live. Later on that morning I realized that I was dreaming about myself. I also dreamt about little kids, iguanas and Macaws but I am not seeming any parallels there, LOL.
2/18/12
     Ok the initial tests are over! Yippee! Felt like I was in a tunnel clinging to the light at the end. The light at the end says 12 weeks of weekly chemo, gonna loose my hair in 14-16 days, mouth sores, very sensitive skin, neuropathy, nausea and fatigue, to what degree we shall see. Second round 8 weeks of biweekly treatment, this round sounds the worst. Intense bone pain, and depleted immune system to where I should almost not go out and I cannot touch soil. Me Simone Ewing cannot touch soil, seriously!
Chemotherapy starts on Thursday. I pray I am strong, I pray I can work and I pray my children will not endure too much along with me.
     I have my Simone Ewing cancer research center set up. I am making a daily check list of all that I need to do each day down to the last detail. My goal is to stay as strong as possible, and of course I am afraid. But knowledge is power and I am in good hands, no, i am in great hands at UCSF and Gods hands.
On a journey to who knows where, S

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